recovery from self-betrayal

What is this deep rift in the time-space continuum of my soul? What is it that has been touched? It is a raw wound. A festering, unhealed gash in the innermost part of my being. But what is this wound? How is it I have such an open sore that I haven’t tended to?

Discovering brand new things about myself at the age of 43 is a disconcerting process indeed. What have I done to that little girl – so afraid and broken – that she hid her deepest hurt even from me?

At some point, I believed that I had the power to cause others to hurt me. And because I believed I had caused it, invited it, somehow made it happen, I bore not only the hurt, but the guilt that I had caused them to do it.

That’s a level of guilt that will silence anyone. I had to hide my guiltiness from even my own self. I condemned my perceived actions and turned my back on such hideous knowledge of myself. I banished little me to a dark corner and resolved to never let anyone know what a truly terrible person I was. I decided that being perfect was the only way to keep from experiencing such guilt ever again. And every time I failed to be perfect, I added to the pile in the corner – burying my true self ever deeper under a thick blanket of guilt and shame and disdain. Very truly, I made an agreement with the universe that I would trade autonomy for safety. I agreed to be compliant and mild and amenable in exchange for security. And just like that, I was trapped in a prison of my own making. Unable to face the pain that uncertainty carried, I turned my back on my tender self, condemning her to sit in silence beneath the weight of my own contempt.

Disdain. Contempt. Hatred of self. Sadly, these are the results of resolving to avoid pain. Avoiding pain is the forbidden fruit offered to us in the moment of awareness of our separateness. “Take a bite and avoid the pain of humanity,” we are promised.  I did not see my resemblance to Eve as I grasped hungrily for the fruit that promised a way out. “You will be safe. No one will know the depth of your depravity. And all you have to do in exchange is prove your worthiness by being good enough from now on.”

These are the bars of iron that would keep me imprisoned for decades. These promises and agreements would turn the gifts of a loving, energetic personality into arrows of shame – proof of the depth of my own unworthiness. Previously spunky and creative and loving, I became withdrawn and fearful, always pushing down and covering up the girl who had led me into danger. I was certain she was to blame and banished her to the darkness. These are difficult truths to acknowledge. And, honestly, I still struggle to choose myself over safety. Maybe I will always be tempted by the fruit that promises certainty – the fruit that offers control at the cost of love. Love is uncertain and dangerous. It promises nothing, but it requires me to be nothing but my true self.

This year, this first year of a new decade, I resolve to choose love. I choose me – mistakes and failures and all. I hereby announce the dissolution of my agreement to imprison myself in exchange for safety. I choose the precarious pathway that is open to my true and lovely self, knowing there will be pain and hurt and grief. It is here, in the danger of failure and need, that I am truly safe.