I was born a helpless baby filled with life. I didn’t earn this life and I don’t owe anyone anything for it. It is mine. Pure gift. But life is a big responsibility for such a little being. It can be scary and I quickly learned not to trust myself with it. I learned that others had better ideas and plans for it. I learned to be afraid of my own desires. Mostly though, I learned that what I really needed was to keep it safe.
Somewhere I glimpsed the armor of indifference.
It looked strong and good and honourable. This armor protects the wearer from the ugly arrows of wrongness. It keeps one separate from the messiness of life – especially the messiness of the lives of others and all their sloppy choices.
When I remain in my strong tower of superior thinking, I don’t get covered in the dust and blood of skirmishes. I stay clean and upright.
Those who are fighting the petty battles of daily life won’t be looked to for the big, important battles. It’s better to just be right and live above it all than to engage in the daily problems of the common people.
There are soldiers who do the messy stuff, and then there are generals who strategize in clean tents far from the roar of the battlefield. Of course, being a soldier is fine for the others, but I want to be a general.
The thing about this appealing-sounding way of life is that it’s completely false. It’s a made-up strategy that works in a made-up world. But real life happens in the messy, unpredictable details. If we isolate ourselves from the details, we isolate ourselves from life!
For some reason, so many of us just want someone who has it all figured out to tell us how to live, what to do, and who to engage with. But the beauty of the way human life works is that no one has it figured out. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something – for your money or your commitment.
The person who can give you the love and affirmation you’re after is YOU! The person who best understands the details and particular nuances of your life, is YOU! Your life is in the messy details and daily tasks and tiny thoughts and big ideas. It’s in the washing dishes and clipping toenails (preferably not together) and snuggling under blankets. Life happens when you are in that delicious state of drifting off to sleep and when your anxiety is high because of some tiny trigger known only to your inner self. Your true self.
The heartbeat of your life happens when you step outside first thing in the morning and the chill in the air kind of takes your breath away. It continues all throughout your day – when you’re on your way to an event and realize the gas light is on, and you pause in your worry about how your dress looks long enough to calculate if you should stop for gas now or if it can wait until later when you’re not chasing a deadline.
So slurp up those sloppy details of life, like soup. Lick the bowl and go back for seconds. And more than anything, remember that you are worthy of living your own life. You’re the only one who is worthy. So live it. And stop giving it away.
Something Deeper 
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