healing – anxiety and trauma

Hey friends. I’ve been thinking lately about anxiety and trauma. I have a lot of experience coping with both, and thought I’d share a few of the things I’ve learned.

For a long time, my favourite poem has been this one:

If of thy mortal goods thou are bereft,

And from thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left,

Sell one, and with the dole

Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.

– attributed to the Gulistan of Moslih Eddin Saadi

This poem reminds me that fully half of all my energy, focus, and resources need to be on feeding my soul. When I think about how much energy, time, and resources I pour into keeping my physical body alive and healthy, I can see I spend much less in caring for my soul. Soul-care can look different for each of us, and different throughout our lifetime, too. For someone who is on a healing journey, carrying a heavy burden of anxiety, proper attention to the soul – the inner self – is especially important.

My anxiety actually began as my healing began. Let me explain. I am healing from childhood trauma that was so crippling that my brain hid it from my consciousness for many years. Shortly before I turned 30, my brain began to let bits of awareness seep through, like light through cracks in wood. It took me almost ten years to accept and acknowledge that this trauma did indeed happen to me. In that time, and continuing until now, I have struggled with anxiety symptoms. All of the things that trigger anxiety in me relate to feeling trapped: standing in check-out lines at the grocery store, being inside an elevator or a parking garage, getting stuck in traffic because of construction or rush-hour, being in conversation with someone where it would be rude for me to just end it and walk away. It’s not difficult to understand the connection – obviously when I was a child experiencing the events that caused my trauma, I felt trapped. I felt trapped in a space where the usual responses to adrenaline (fight or flight) were not possible and so I froze. To this day, anytime I feel trapped, anxiety takes over.

I have learned a few important things about how to manage anxiety while healing from trauma. Maybe these will be helpful to you, or maybe this information will simply give you patience with others in your life who struggle with anxiety.

1. Anxiety must be managed. It does not respond to being told what to do. It is like an obstinate child who must be coaxed and loved and understood.
2. Avoiding things that cause anxiety makes anxiety stronger. My first instinct (and it’s a strong one!) is to simply avoid all those circumstances that trigger my anxiety. I have been known to drive 30 minutes out of my way to avoid 10 minutes of traffic back-up. I do a lot of shopping for my business and I have become really knowledgeable about the busy times at each store I frequent so I can avoid long lines. However, the more effort I put into avoiding triggers, the more I need to avoid them. Instead of being triggered by a 5-person line at a store, I become triggered by a mere 3-person line. Simply stopping at a red light in a line of 4 cars begins to give me a sense of panic. The more I cater to my anxiety, the more it controls me. It is a cruel master – if I bow to its wishes, it grants me reprieve, but at a cost. Avoiding things that cause anxiety, I have learned, is a slippery slope. And even with this knowledge, it takes great effort to overcome the desire to play the avoidance game.
3. While avoiding things that cause anxiety isn’t a good idea, I can’t just push myself, kicking and screaming, into those situations either. Jumping head-first into an anxiety pool will not facilitate healing or growth. Trauma cannot be ripped off like a band-aid. Anxiety and Trauma have been part of my being for so long that they have become part of me – woven into my cells like a dark thread. This cannot be simply ripped out, but must be transformed. And, as much as this long, slow healing process, itself, feels like being stuck in a line of bumper-to-bumper traffic, it is the only way forward. There are no side roads out – at least not any worth taking.
4. Overcoming anxiety is possible, but must be done slowly and purposefully. When I, intentionally, choose a longer line at the grocery store to challenge my anxiety, I learn that being stuck is less traumatic than my brain has convinced me. Each time I do this, I am re-programming my thinking. These are slow, tiny steps toward freedom from the tyranny of anxiety.

Overcoming anxiety is just one of the many ways I am working to find healing for past trauma. I have also found, mostly through trial and error, a number of other important steps that are leading me forward, transforming my trauma into strength.

1. Forming words to describe what has happened creates a place to begin. My first noticeable steps toward healing came when I spoke my truth aloud to a small number of trusted friends and family. I haven’t shared my story with many – especially details – and this is important. Recklessly spilling a traumatic experience without great care and tenderness toward yourself can result in being re-traumatized. Exposing this raw and vulnerable part of yourself requires extreme care to avoid damage. But surrounding yourself with some gentle souls who can walk beside you is a great first step.
2. Grieve. Cry. Mourn. Acknowledge regret. One of the most important steps I ever took toward healing was when I began to purposefully grieve what I had lost. I made lists of all the ways this trauma has affected my life. The lists are long because the effects have been far-reaching and have touched every part of my existence.  I wrote a letter to the person I believe is responsible (I didn’t send it, but just writing it was helpful.) I should note that each of these activities actually triggered pretty big anxiety attacks. I felt fine as I wrote and self-examined, but the next day I was a mess. It is still a learning process. And all of these activities were surrounded by lots and lots of time. Healing cannot be rushed. I’m excited to see how even writing this post will propel me forward on my healing journey. And hopefully it will help others too.
3. Do not be in a hurry. One thing, overall, I have learned is that I must be patient with myself. Any amount of frustration with myself can disrupt the process. I am learning to love myself through acts of self-kindness and compassion. This takes conscious effort and regular reminders.

And so, friends, if you find yourself carrying the heavy burdens of anxiety, past trauma, regret, or any other such difficulties, take heart! We are on this road together. It is not an easy path, but it can be filled with joy and healing if we walk it with patience. Much love to you!