trauma’s paths of unworthiness

A dozen times a day. That’s how often my Great Wound gets bumped, jiggled, or poked. It doesn’t take much. A scent. A look. A sensation. All painful reminders that don’t trigger a memory – but instead awaken a gnawing ache that runs in the background of my operating system, like harmful malware. And like malware, discovering it as the source of my fearful unworthiness is tricky. When I leave these micro-triggers unattended for too long, my being begins to believe the unworthiness.

Our brains are powerful computers – always searching for patterns. Once I have tasted the lie of my own lack of worth, my brain begins to look for confirmations. In practical terms, I begin hyper-focusing on flaws – searching for the cause of these feelings of unworthiness. And it is a universal truth that we will find whatever it is we look for. And so I find flaws. I find so many I am shocked the unworthiness didn’t come sooner. I begin to feel ashamed that I ever believed I could be or do anything good.

This is my wake-up call that my trauma has taken over again. It is the urgent reminder to practice some self-kindness. It is a prompt for some quiet reflection. I recognize, even though I don’t feel it to be true, that these are lies. False truths. Malware in action.

The most exhausting part of healing work is the continuous battle that rages inside. Invisible and insidious. The most harmful weapon of abuse is its ability to convince us we deserve it. That it was somehow our fault. And these pathways become well-worn. For me, some of the most important work I do on this healing journey is to leave signs and notes for myself. Because the path looks innocent and familiar, I might venture a good way down before I realize where I’m headed. Going back to these places to erect barriers and warnings for myself is hard work. “Don’t go down this path,” I write. “WARNING! Destruction ahead!”

And that’s some of why I share my journey here. It’s a tangible way to leave messages of truth for myself. I hope that these clues and instructions will guide me back again when I have tumbled head-long into another trauma-triggered pit.

And I hope these are messages of love to you too. If you struggle through this kind of healing, take heart. We will find our way together.