a reflection on death

A bird flew into a window at my house and died today. I was lying in bed, nursing a shame spiral and anxiety attack. Triggers have been coming hard and fast for a few days and I don’t know how they still blindside me after all this time. But suddenly there was a loud bang on the window and my first thought was that someone outside had thrown a baseball at my window. But then I remembered the blue jay. A number of years ago a blue jay flew into our front window and died. All the other blue jays came and sat in the trees out front and squawked and wept. That was when I realized I needed to weep for little me – to grieve what I lost all those years ago when my abuser stole my childhood. And that was when I first began looking for blue jays as a wink and a hug from the Universe. I hurried outside to look for a bird, hoping there wouldn’t be one lying on the ground. There was. Completely still and beautiful. It was a flicker, and its golden wing feathers were shining in the late afternoon sun. I ran for my daughter, the death whisperer. She caressed the body gently. Nothing. She tenderly lifted the little body from the grass. The bird’s head flopped back. It was really dead. But still warm, she told me. We brought it up to the patio and laid it on a towel in the sun. “Just in case,” we said. It’s lying out there still. Still and beautiful and dead.

Death doesn’t just come for those who deserve it. Not only for those who have lived a full life, or an evil one. Death is entirely outside of our understanding of what it should be. And even though my daughter sees death as beauty – something mysterious and wild and natural – she grieves. She has held many animals as they have crossed the great river between life and death. Each time she has mourned and wept. And accepted that it is the way of life.

All this makes me think of a reference to death in the Bible. My friend read it aloud to me this week. I can see now it was a gift to help me through these soul-shattered days. We were enjoying a walk, talking about faith and the challenges our own faith traditions bring us these days. We discussed the idea of “taking up our cross and following Jesus.” My friend said, “Let’s stop and read it right now.”

It’s from Matthew 16:24 – “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.””

I instantly thought of how this passage has been used as a weapon to convince groups of people their suffering is the entrance fee to remaining a Christian. As though the people in power get to choose what is and is not your “cross.” I suggested we read the passages that came before this one to gain context. My friend read aloud:

“Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven.”” (v.13-17)

She continued on. (Reading parts I am leaving out for the sake of length)

“From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”” (v.21-23)

Next is the part about denying yourself and taking up your cross.

So, as I see it, the set-up is this: The disciples realize Jesus is the Son of God. Perhaps this is the first time they’ve said so aloud. Then Jesus begins to prepare them for what is to come – the crucifixion and betrayal and shame. Peter has seen the truth of Jesus’ identity, but lacks the vision to comprehend Jesus’ commitment to ultimate solidarity with humanity. Peter, like today’s church, values what the powers of this world value – honour, glory, success, popularity, and power. He doesn’t want these things for himself. Oh no! Peter only desires them for Jesus. How could that be wrong? If Jesus really is the Son of God, surely it’s ok to want him raised up to power and authority in this world. But Jesus calls his desires “Satan!” and rebukes him sharply. Why? What was Peter missing? What is it we’re missing still in 2023? (maybe more now than ever)

To deny himself. To take up his cross and follow Jesus. Does this mean following Jesus will never look like power? That it will always only look like defeat? What about all the evil? Shouldn’t someone stand up to the evil? Shouldn’t we, as Christians, take the power, but only to use it for good? Wouldn’t it be a better world if Christians were in power?

Jesus says no. He tells the disciples what it looks like to be his followers.

“If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life? For the Son of Man is to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay everyone for what has been done. Truly I tell you, there are some standing here who will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” (v.24-28)

I hope I haven’t lost you, because this is the whole reason I’ve told you this entire story. This is what has been comforting my stricken and wounded spirit as I wrestle with shame that isn’t mine and a cross I didn’t choose. Here, Jesus is trying to help the disciples catch the vision of the gift he is trying to give humanity. Not as a substitute or payment to an angry God. But as a beacon shouting out the enduring value of humanity. His choice was to embrace humanity, suffering and all, over power or glory. He tells them, (my words) “Don’t worry about your earthly accounting system for evil. I will come with true justice in the end. Those who have done evil to you will be dealt with by me.” And, even though he was speaking to the disciples, he says something chilling. Something that fills me with hope and comfort. This next statement has been vastly misunderstood. Jesus says, “There are some standing here who will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Far from meaning they will stay alive until the return of the Messiah, the death he is referring to is a necessary and beautiful death. One that is painful and natural and the only way for us to reconcile the harm we’ve participated in. The death referred to here is in reference to taking up our cross. It is a chosen death and it leads to life in this world. But even some of the disciples listening to him that day wouldn’t choose that. They’d miss his point. And they’d have to wait to experience that death.

The reason this is such a comfort to me: There are those in this life who appear to “get away with their evil.” They do not acknowledge the pain they have caused. They do not seek forgiveness or even own their grave and abhorrent sins. And it seems as though they are not punished. Death comes for the good, leaving the evil to live on. But they will taste the death Jesus speaks about here. Their day of revelation of the anguish they have caused is coming. It might not be in this lifetime. It will not be for me to view. But it is coming and it is in the hands of the One who Knows. This soothes my aching inner-self. I can leave this here.

My attention can be drawn to my own “death” – my own reckoning with the harm I’ve caused. I choose that cross now. Here. I choose to take it up, walking into what feels like defeat, what doesn’t look like success or honour. But it is. I am free to focus on doing good, acknowledging my own sins, reconciling with those I’ve harmed, and shining a light on the ultimate value of each of us in this world. I’m free to do all these things because I’m not wrecked by the crippling belief that it’s my job to fight the evil. Oh, naming harm is good (and clearly I do that a lot) but taking up swords and chopping off ears is for amateurs. Taking up crosses, marching toward what looks like defeat, but is really a love story, that’s for Jesus followers.